Monday, October 23, 2017

Shining On

I haven't written about  my day to day life lately- thought I would catch up some.   Vacation!  I went on my first trip to Europe and it was amazing!  Everything I thought it would be and more~   I called it a  "bucket-list " trip- but I plan to go back again- there is so much to do and see and a week is not enough time!      It also was a vacation first  for me where I actually lost  7 pounds!   I don't blog about this much , but I am going to for a moment-   I have been on what can only be called a whole life overhaul this year.  Its been quite painful, personally , but without the pain and growth that change bring, change won't happen either.  I don't have  any great epiphanies to share, I really wish I did.   I can only say that sometimes I feel victorious  and other days I feel bloodied and bruised , As if I  am crawling along on my hands and knees, making NO progress whatsoever!       
Biggest change-- my body-- to date  I have lost 71 pounds!   I am physically smaller , fitter and stronger than I have been in  25 years or so and it is quite amazing to me still. Its one week at a time, 1 pound at a time.  I am seeing the finish line ahead and I am grateful  for the opportunity to take good care of myself  and my health.   I think the mental game of losing weight is the bigger obstacle-- Accepting my new body, it's shape and strength and what I can do-- like hike more versus when I look in the mirror-- it's hard to see myself so different sometimes. 

My relationships-- Perhaps this is the biggest change of all-   Losing so much weight, actually makes me feel more vulnerable that ever.  Weight can be a shield and an excuse to limit oneself from actually living your life!  It was my protector when I was trying to hide or not try something that I really actually wanted to do.  When you let those last layers of armor fall off, you are left feeling exposed and raw--at least that is how I feel.  When I should be stepping into light , It's like shrinking back into myself because I don't want to get hurt, judged or rejected.    I realize though, deep down that I can't move forward if I do that. I will stay forever stagnant . So even though I am scared and often times alone here in Arizona-- I will keep trying, I will keep taking risks, I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and spread love and light wherever I can.   I know that I am meant to do that.  As my momma often tells me-- I have always been an "ALL IN" kind of girl.     I am either all the way invested or I am all out and won't give a backward glance.     My greatest joy is giving , I just have never been that great at the receiving end  of things.    I think its time I tried being open to that too.  It's scary to let new people in and  to try new experiences .   Perhaps it is one of  my greatest fears  to let myself be vulnerable and get hurt-- but ya know what ?  Hearts heal eventually and our spirits grow stronger , just from the knowing.   

 I can't touch on the subject of relationships without talking about one of the biggest--- My 19 + year marriage to Bob. Many of you know by  now that Bob and I are divorcing but  also working on what our new relationship now may be.    He is my best friend  and we are both going through this stage with tender hearts-  I can't imagine my life without him and I think he feels the same. Our separation has impacted our many family and friends-- It has been not without difficulty and many things people just don't understand and honestly ,  Bob and I are trying to figure it out ourselves.      So yes, you may see pics of us together-- we are all each other has here in  AZ ---  we are trying to 'uncouple' our lives as gently as possible and still support and lean on each other.        I  just want to say  Thank you for all those that continue to show love and support to us! You lift us up and bring us comfort and we both are forever grateful for that ! 

This is what I know for sure:  As I embark on my 49th year of life, the only certainty I have is the knowledge that I am not done  with change and growth. I don't have all the answers - hell  I don't  even know all the questions that will be asked of me yet.  I take each day as it comes, and it is literally a one day at a time kind of thing right now.    I have posted this on my facebook many times but it is something  I continue to tell myself daily. " I breathe on my courage and I exhale my fear"   

I  think I will close this post tonight with something a very good friend sent to me :

" Let them judge you
let them misunderstand you
Let them gossip about you
Their opinions aren't your problem
You stay kind, committed to LOVE,
and free in your authenticity.
No matter what they do or say
don't you dare doubt your worth
or the beauty of your truth.
Just keep on SHINING like you do. "         

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Still Here

A Chance, A  Choice
She finds her lost voice
Gaining Freedom
Discovering love between them
Heartstrings plucked
to a silent song
waiting for the right one to  hear it  .
I turn to look for you
You're not there
Seeking , Searching
Silently hurting
Wanting so much to be yours, alone.
Will you find me
Will you keep looking
My soul torn open and I see you peek inside
You took what you needed
Then you walked away
Never once looking back
I'm still here
I quietly say.

Monday, September 18, 2017

A smile so big and bright

A smile so big and bright
It hides the pain behind her sea-green eyes
A mind that is never quiet
She feels so much- everyone's pain
She wants to fix it , make your hurt go away.
She  will be the keeper of your dark secret
She will pour her soul into you
So that you may be whole
She will love you with all that she has
And a little bit more.
You will take from her and never stop
Then  one day you decide you don't need her anymore
She is alone again
Her heart  breaks again
Even when she promised herself She would not allow it
But she does
She was born to love you
With a smile so big and bright
But who will be the one to love her ?      

Perfectly Imperfect

I  strive for perfection
reach for it's shiny ring
my fingertips brushing up against it's glittering , cold crown.
Nearly there .
I stumble, tumble, I am falling down
I shatter into tiny pieces
I gather myself up again
Jagged, sharp
I squeeze those shiny parts so hard
I'm bleeding
Heart squeezing
Tears falling
Perfectly imperfect

Saturday, September 9, 2017

When your life feels like a Country Song

 I feel like my life is a country song and it's all at my own choosing. I am a week into living outside  my comfort zone.   Which is the point right now , I am trying  to figure  out what is next in store for me.    Giving up the security of my relationship is hard for many in my life to understand--  Society tells us that we  are to grow up and get married- that we are to belong to someone  and that your life is not full or as it's meant to be until you are with  a partner. The goal is to get to the finish line of marital bliss and to live Happily Ever After.    Have you ever gone through a major life change and found that everyone has an opinion about it that they will freely share with you ?  This week ran the gamut from  concern that I will get my heart  hurt to what I assume was meant to be an  encouraging " You can  still turn men's heads".  ( Still not sure if I should be insulted by that one ) .  Some think this is me going through a  mid-life crisis.    I think this is me evaluating what is working and not working in my life. I think this is me deciding what makes me happy and feel good and putting that above all else.   I think this is me choosing to be courageous and brave, even though I actually feel scared shitless.     This is me knowing my kind heart is wide open and is at risk of getting broken again and that is OK.    Because I know that I can put myself back together and be stronger than  I was before.  Because I know that  this time around -  I have always been good enough , and that my dreams matter too and I have the right to pursue them. To create the life that is  just right for me , to be my most authentic self.      I think Magic happens when you don't give up  on becoming who you are meant to be. "The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart. "

Monday, September 4, 2017

Undone, Unraveled, Uncoupled.

This was the weekend I became Undone-  I am exhausted, depleted- running on empty. I am not looking  for  sympathy -this is the culmination of a choice I made.  It is the consequence to my action, the ramification of my decisions- it is the slow, painful process of 21 years as a couple, Un-coupling. Which I did not even know that  "un-coupling " was a thing but  maybe it sounds better than separating, or the D-word.  Divorce just looks so ugly and sounds so harsh.  It's like the tip of a sharp blade slicing through my skin and my "coupled"  soul is dripping out leaving a trail from where I was to where I sit right now.  It hurts- but I feel numb. It's one of those times in your life where you feel like you are outside yourself. I want to lay on the couch and binge watch  Ozarks, but I have things to put away, Frodo to walk and plan for work tomorrow.     That's the thing ,  even  though I feel like I am unraveling in this moment, the day to day keeps happening and I am going to have to hop back on the life train tomorrow and  " Adult".  The fact I have made it through this 3 day weekend without bingeing on more than 1 drink and 1 pint of Halo Top  is a  victory.  

I am reminded  that I have many who love me and are there to put me back together again, who believe in the goodness of me. I am grateful.  I am grateful  for their unending support and no judgement of my choices- who only want to see me happy  ( Bob too- today's blog may sound selfish but it's strictly my own point of view, and well, it's my blog)  

So tomorrow will be a new day , a new commute , a fresh start and another step on this  path I have chosen for myself.   It's time to put myself back together again and hoping I do so with Grace ,Love and Courage  and an open heart.              

Friday, August 11, 2017

Endings and Beginnings

My 19 year marriage is ending- The roller coaster of life changing events over the past 15 months has brought me to an ending that neither of  us saw coming .    Though we are at a delicate place of peace and understanding - you can't go through this kind of ending without some battle wounds.  I could not predict that I would change so much over this past year - and with the change and  personal growth came an introspection of myself that surprises me still.   Some of those changes have been awesome and a few have been emotionally draining .   I think we are always meant to grow , change and evolve as human beings- maybe that process is the easy part.   It's the day in/ day out  grind, the always needing to meet another person's needs ,wants and desires  above  your own -being Selfless when you want to be Selfish  that can change a heart.    Mine changed, what it needs and wants changed and there is the rub my friends- Do you squash that down for your partner or do you decide to let it burst forth and take center stage ?   My husband has always let me be center stage, he has loved me endlessly , even  when I am unlovable.   This is hard.  He is one of the best people I know on the planet and I love him for that.  For standing by me and taking care of me -- through death, illness , loss of our baby and  Kevin's addiction.  He is one of my best friends and I am letting him go. He loves me enough to let me go  as well. Sometimes, what worked before , stops working . Sometimes, life is bigger than ourselves and takes on a path we are yet to understand. We can either embrace it and go with the flow  or fight it and stay stagnant and complacent.

This will be a shock to many,  as  Bob and I are just starting to share this news outside our most inner circle.   We have and continue to be surrounded by so much love and support  -   Our story is our story- and I can't  squish all of the details into one blog.    A new journey is just beginning for us both and we have no idea of what to expect around the next curve.   It's  scary, exciting , heart breaking and at times soul crushing.   Our life has always been more than just about us 2, and  the " uncoupling" is no exception-- There are  friends ,parents, siblings, a son , nieces ,nephews  and cousins whose dynamic shifts  along with ours as we make this choice.     I am just reminded that it's a time , more than ever , to show Grace and Love to each other .      I think the place where we are at is best described from this movie quote :