Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Still Here

A Chance, A  Choice
She finds her lost voice
Gaining Freedom
Discovering love between them
Heartstrings plucked
to a silent song
waiting for the right one to  hear it  .
I turn to look for you
You're not there
Seeking , Searching
Silently hurting
Wanting so much to be yours, alone.
Will you find me
Will you keep looking
My soul torn open and I see you peek inside
You took what you needed
Then you walked away
Never once looking back
I'm still here
I quietly say.

Monday, September 18, 2017

A smile so big and bright

A smile so big and bright
It hides the pain behind her sea-green eyes
A mind that is never quiet
She feels so much- everyone's pain
She wants to fix it , make your hurt go away.
She  will be the keeper of your dark secret
She will pour her soul into you
So that you may be whole
She will love you with all that she has
And a little bit more.
You will take from her and never stop
Then  one day you decide you don't need her anymore
She is alone again
Her heart  breaks again
Even when she promised herself She would not allow it
But she does
She was born to love you
With a smile so big and bright
But who will be the one to love her ?      

Perfectly Imperfect

I  strive for perfection
reach for it's shiny ring
my fingertips brushing up against it's glittering , cold crown.
Nearly there .
I stumble, tumble, I am falling down
I shatter into tiny pieces
I gather myself up again
Jagged, sharp
I squeeze those shiny parts so hard
I'm bleeding
Heart squeezing
Tears falling
Perfectly imperfect

Saturday, September 9, 2017

When your life feels like a Country Song

 I feel like my life is a country song and it's all at my own choosing. I am a week into living outside  my comfort zone.   Which is the point right now , I am trying  to figure  out what is next in store for me.    Giving up the security of my relationship is hard for many in my life to understand--  Society tells us that we  are to grow up and get married- that we are to belong to someone  and that your life is not full or as it's meant to be until you are with  a partner. The goal is to get to the finish line of marital bliss and to live Happily Ever After.    Have you ever gone through a major life change and found that everyone has an opinion about it that they will freely share with you ?  This week ran the gamut from  concern that I will get my heart  hurt to what I assume was meant to be an  encouraging " You can  still turn men's heads".  ( Still not sure if I should be insulted by that one ) .  Some think this is me going through a  mid-life crisis.    I think this is me evaluating what is working and not working in my life. I think this is me deciding what makes me happy and feel good and putting that above all else.   I think this is me choosing to be courageous and brave, even though I actually feel scared shitless.     This is me knowing my kind heart is wide open and is at risk of getting broken again and that is OK.    Because I know that I can put myself back together and be stronger than  I was before.  Because I know that  this time around -  I have always been good enough , and that my dreams matter too and I have the right to pursue them. To create the life that is  just right for me , to be my most authentic self.      I think Magic happens when you don't give up  on becoming who you are meant to be. "The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart. "

Monday, September 4, 2017

Undone, Unraveled, Uncoupled.

This was the weekend I became Undone-  I am exhausted, depleted- running on empty. I am not looking  for  sympathy -this is the culmination of a choice I made.  It is the consequence to my action, the ramification of my decisions- it is the slow, painful process of 21 years as a couple, Un-coupling. Which I did not even know that  "un-coupling " was a thing but  maybe it sounds better than separating, or the D-word.  Divorce just looks so ugly and sounds so harsh.  It's like the tip of a sharp blade slicing through my skin and my "coupled"  soul is dripping out leaving a trail from where I was to where I sit right now.  It hurts- but I feel numb. It's one of those times in your life where you feel like you are outside yourself. I want to lay on the couch and binge watch  Ozarks, but I have things to put away, Frodo to walk and plan for work tomorrow.     That's the thing ,  even  though I feel like I am unraveling in this moment, the day to day keeps happening and I am going to have to hop back on the life train tomorrow and  " Adult".  The fact I have made it through this 3 day weekend without bingeing on more than 1 drink and 1 pint of Halo Top  is a  victory.  

I am reminded  that I have many who love me and are there to put me back together again, who believe in the goodness of me. I am grateful.  I am grateful  for their unending support and no judgement of my choices- who only want to see me happy  ( Bob too- today's blog may sound selfish but it's strictly my own point of view, and well, it's my blog)  

So tomorrow will be a new day , a new commute , a fresh start and another step on this  path I have chosen for myself.   It's time to put myself back together again and hoping I do so with Grace ,Love and Courage  and an open heart.              

Friday, August 11, 2017

Endings and Beginnings

My 19 year marriage is ending- The roller coaster of life changing events over the past 15 months has brought me to an ending that neither of  us saw coming .    Though we are at a delicate place of peace and understanding - you can't go through this kind of ending without some battle wounds.  I could not predict that I would change so much over this past year - and with the change and  personal growth came an introspection of myself that surprises me still.   Some of those changes have been awesome and a few have been emotionally draining .   I think we are always meant to grow , change and evolve as human beings- maybe that process is the easy part.   It's the day in/ day out  grind, the always needing to meet another person's needs ,wants and desires  above  your own -being Selfless when you want to be Selfish  that can change a heart.    Mine changed, what it needs and wants changed and there is the rub my friends- Do you squash that down for your partner or do you decide to let it burst forth and take center stage ?   My husband has always let me be center stage, he has loved me endlessly , even  when I am unlovable.   This is hard.  He is one of the best people I know on the planet and I love him for that.  For standing by me and taking care of me -- through death, illness , loss of our baby and  Kevin's addiction.  He is one of my best friends and I am letting him go. He loves me enough to let me go  as well. Sometimes, what worked before , stops working . Sometimes, life is bigger than ourselves and takes on a path we are yet to understand. We can either embrace it and go with the flow  or fight it and stay stagnant and complacent.

This will be a shock to many,  as  Bob and I are just starting to share this news outside our most inner circle.   We have and continue to be surrounded by so much love and support  -   Our story is our story- and I can't  squish all of the details into one blog.    A new journey is just beginning for us both and we have no idea of what to expect around the next curve.   It's  scary, exciting , heart breaking and at times soul crushing.   Our life has always been more than just about us 2, and  the " uncoupling" is no exception-- There are  friends ,parents, siblings, a son , nieces ,nephews  and cousins whose dynamic shifts  along with ours as we make this choice.     I am just reminded that it's a time , more than ever , to show Grace and Love to each other .      I think the place where we are at is best described from this movie quote :

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Mean Girls

Mean Girls, and I am not talking about the movie with Lindsay Lohan.  In fact, I can't believe at my age I am having to talk about it at all!   Shouldn't we , as women, strive to lift each other up and encourage each other ?   Have I really just taken a step back into 8th grade when I last felt mean girl gossip and pettiness ?!    This week has been the  epitome of mean girl actions and gossip , which started on Monday and has continued to unravel and each new day has uncovered more and more deceit and lies. AND THIS IS IN THE WORK PLACE!     I have never been the constant focus of attack and outright lies until now, I guess I am lucky I  have made it this far unscathed.  In fact, being the center or rather the target of someones ill will  has rattled me to the core- I have had 4 different people come up to me to say they were worried for my safety for crying out loud.   ( NOTE: I AM NOT afraid or feel unsafe, so please don't worry) . I thought that by today , things would have calmed down, but gossip and those who only want to hurt you and your character  must take a lot of persist ant joy in keeping me the center of discussion. I have tried the high road, I even went and talked to one of the person's whom I knew was involved in the mean girl gossip and was assured nothing more would be said and we were good.  Then today rolled around and I found out this mean girl decided to keep on talking and then that person talked too.. Seriously, I can't believe I am this fascinating of a discussion topic . What really baffles me , is I barely know a few of these people and I KNOW my interactions with these people have never been anything but kind.    Gossiping and spreading rumors about me   is one thing , but when what is being said keeps getting twisted and growing into something it never was , with the potential to harm others--  I just have to ask myself what kind of person(s) cares so little about others that they would intentionally cause harm and pain when its none of their freaking business and they don't have all the facts anyways ?!  

I hate that this has happened, but what really shatters me the most is that the events of this week have made  me feel that I can't trust  the new people  I am meeting and that it will change the nature of who I am.   I feel naive and my feelings are hurt by the lies that have been told. To know that people I thought were my friends, well, just are not .      I can find a  little bit of light though, even though I am seeing who the mean girls are, I have found the kind ones too - for that I am grateful.  This experience has just been a reminder to  keep my circle tight and to trust few.  I value more than ever those that have been true ,kind and loving to me. Day in and Day out with my imperfectness.   Those are the keepers, the ones to hold onto.