Saturday, June 9, 2018

100.6

100.6   -  That is the number of pounds I have lost since February 24 , 2017. Today was the day I  hit that milestone  when I stepped onto the scale at Weight Watchers this morning .  It's been one of the longest , most difficult,  yet triumphant moments of my life.   I started to tear up thinking about all the changes I have gone through- losing any amount of weight is hard- I can think of very few times in my life where I have had to consistently apply this much  effort and discipline into something. At times , its been my stubborn , sheer will that has pushed me ahead when I have wanted to quit. Because this was hard, still hard really. You see when you shed that protective skin that has kept you insulated from so many things, well those " things" are right there waiting for you  still. Yep, time to meet that bag of insecurities head on. This is what is funny to me, I have had  a handful of people say to me   " Oh what do you possibly have to be stressed about "?  You have a good job, you are thin/pretty!  Let me tell you , being thinner, or being blessed with decent genetics or earning a decent income does not make for a perfect , stress free life.   The same reasons and insecurities that caused me to comfort myself with food and gain weight have always been waiting for me , like a monkey on my back , to be dealt with. So as I approached this weight loss finish line, I felt a rising panic inside me, knowing there were feelings and fears I was going to have to face. Losing the weight was really just the beginning to creating my best life - even when I haven't always known what that best life for me should be. And let me tell you friends, coming face to face with your  stripped  down self is not easy.  I have hurt those I love on this journey , had to say good bye to work, people , and a home that no longer served me well.  Because I am almost '50', some chalked my weight loss and life changes to a mid life crisis.    Hell, I wasn't sure it wasn't that myself!  But it wasn't - the more weight I lost, the more anxiety I got. I felt vulnerable and scared and in dire need of ice cream with chocolate magic shell poured on top!   I couldn't turn to my trusty friends  sweets and carbs this time because they always left me feeling sick and defeated.   I knew deep inside if I could start to love myself where I am now and be  as patient and kind as I try to be to others, that I could start to accept this new version of myself and love her the way she deserves to be.   I've shared before how this move to Arizona , away from all those I love and hold dear has been so hard and lonely. It still is, add divorcing my partner of nearly 20 years and not having the safety net of my friends and family near by have nearly brought me to saying  " Peace-Out! " Arizona I am going home! I miss having the people I love and trust near by and finding  my  "tribe" here. It's been so much harder than I thought it would be. Making  connections here has been difficult, making life changes is difficult but  I think not taking risks and allowing yourself the room to grow and evolve is even more scarier.  I would rather endure heartache and a little fear of the unknown, including some loneliness if it means that I will come out a better person in the end.   What I know for sure is that losing 100.6 pounds  is really the beginning of something , not the finish line.   The journey continues.....

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Happy Mother's Day!




There are times where the words  'Thank  You' don't seem special enough to convey  the gratitude  I feel when it comes to my mom.   Like most families, our mother/daughter relationship has been bumpy at times  but the beautiful thing that I have  always  known at the center of my being was that I was loved. Loved when I  fucked up, said something horrible or acted in a way that was less than stellar.    My mom has and still does put her family first. She is the example of unconditional love and has taught me how to love in that same way.    I think one of the reasons why I have  been able to live away from home, a few states away, is for the mere fact that I know I always can move home if I needed or wanted too.  I know that I can call my mom and say   I need to come come home or can you come here- She wouldn't hesitate to come get me or come to me.   It is because of the strength of her unconditional love and belief in me that when I went through some dark days with my own son, I was able to show that same unconditional belief and faith in him and myself. My mom taught me that !   She taught me the meaning of family , how to  throw a good party and that making food from scratch is the way to go.    My mom is self -reliant- she can fix things, has her own cool tools she keeps in her car, she  can fix a flat tire -she is and continues to be a bad ass and I don't think there has every been a time I have not been proud she was my mom.  She taught me that it was important to take care of my health, to wear sun screen and I thank her for the fact she gave me a gene pool that ages well  :)        Really, that is just the tip of the ol' ice berg when it comes to being able to express my love and gratitude for my mom-  Because unlike her children, she does not like a lot of attention -she prefers to be the quiet strength that is the backbone of our family.       But today, I am taking this moment to say I love you and Thank you Mom for all that you have done and continue to do for all of us that are lucky enough  to be yours!  There isn't enough coffee's , wine,  flowers, Pandora Charms , burnt breakfasts and all the other miscellaneous gifts we bestow upon  you to say Happy Mother's Day! 

xoxo
K

Monday, October 23, 2017

Shining On

I haven't written about  my day to day life lately- thought I would catch up some.   Vacation!  I went on my first trip to Europe and it was amazing!  Everything I thought it would be and more~   I called it a  "bucket-list " trip- but I plan to go back again- there is so much to do and see and a week is not enough time!      It also was a vacation first  for me where I actually lost  7 pounds!   I don't blog about this much , but I am going to for a moment-   I have been on what can only be called a whole life overhaul this year.  Its been quite painful, personally , but without the pain and growth that change bring, change won't happen either.  I don't have  any great epiphanies to share, I really wish I did.   I can only say that sometimes I feel victorious  and other days I feel bloodied and bruised , As if I  am crawling along on my hands and knees, making NO progress whatsoever!       
Biggest change-- my body-- to date  I have lost 71 pounds!   I am physically smaller , fitter and stronger than I have been in  25 years or so and it is quite amazing to me still. Its one week at a time, 1 pound at a time.  I am seeing the finish line ahead and I am grateful  for the opportunity to take good care of myself  and my health.   I think the mental game of losing weight is the bigger obstacle-- Accepting my new body, it's shape and strength and what I can do-- like hike more versus when I look in the mirror-- it's hard to see myself so different sometimes. 

My relationships-- Perhaps this is the biggest change of all-   Losing so much weight, actually makes me feel more vulnerable that ever.  Weight can be a shield and an excuse to limit oneself from actually living your life!  It was my protector when I was trying to hide or not try something that I really actually wanted to do.  When you let those last layers of armor fall off, you are left feeling exposed and raw--at least that is how I feel.  When I should be stepping into light , It's like shrinking back into myself because I don't want to get hurt, judged or rejected.    I realize though, deep down that I can't move forward if I do that. I will stay forever stagnant . So even though I am scared and often times alone here in Arizona-- I will keep trying, I will keep taking risks, I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and spread love and light wherever I can.   I know that I am meant to do that.  As my momma often tells me-- I have always been an "ALL IN" kind of girl.     I am either all the way invested or I am all out and won't give a backward glance.     My greatest joy is giving , I just have never been that great at the receiving end  of things.    I think its time I tried being open to that too.  It's scary to let new people in and  to try new experiences .   Perhaps it is one of  my greatest fears  to let myself be vulnerable and get hurt-- but ya know what ?  Hearts heal eventually and our spirits grow stronger , just from the knowing.   

 I can't touch on the subject of relationships without talking about one of the biggest--- My 19 + year marriage to Bob. Many of you know by  now that Bob and I are divorcing but  also working on what our new relationship now may be.    He is my best friend  and we are both going through this stage with tender hearts-  I can't imagine my life without him and I think he feels the same. Our separation has impacted our many family and friends-- It has been not without difficulty and many things people just don't understand and honestly ,  Bob and I are trying to figure it out ourselves.      So yes, you may see pics of us together-- we are all each other has here in  AZ ---  we are trying to 'uncouple' our lives as gently as possible and still support and lean on each other.        I  just want to say  Thank you for all those that continue to show love and support to us! You lift us up and bring us comfort and we both are forever grateful for that ! 

This is what I know for sure:  As I embark on my 49th year of life, the only certainty I have is the knowledge that I am not done  with change and growth. I don't have all the answers - hell  I don't  even know all the questions that will be asked of me yet.  I take each day as it comes, and it is literally a one day at a time kind of thing right now.    I have posted this on my facebook many times but it is something  I continue to tell myself daily. " I breathe on my courage and I exhale my fear"   

I  think I will close this post tonight with something a very good friend sent to me :

" Let them judge you
let them misunderstand you
Let them gossip about you
Their opinions aren't your problem
You stay kind, committed to LOVE,
and free in your authenticity.
No matter what they do or say
don't you dare doubt your worth
or the beauty of your truth.
Just keep on SHINING like you do. "         

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Still Here

A Chance, A  Choice
She finds her lost voice
Gaining Freedom
Discovering love between them
Heartstrings plucked
to a silent song
waiting for the right one to  hear it  .
I turn to look for you
You're not there
Seeking , Searching
Silently hurting
Wanting so much to be yours, alone.
Will you find me
Will you keep looking
My soul torn open and I see you peek inside
You took what you needed
Then you walked away
Never once looking back
I'm still here
I quietly say.

Monday, September 18, 2017

A smile so big and bright



A smile so big and bright
It hides the pain behind her sea-green eyes
A mind that is never quiet
She feels so much- everyone's pain
She wants to fix it , make your hurt go away.
She  will be the keeper of your dark secret
She will pour her soul into you
So that you may be whole
She will love you with all that she has
And a little bit more.
You will take from her and never stop
Then  one day you decide you don't need her anymore
She is alone again
Her heart  breaks again
Even when she promised herself She would not allow it
But she does
She was born to love you
With a smile so big and bright
But who will be the one to love her ?      


Perfectly Imperfect



I  strive for perfection
reach for it's shiny ring
my fingertips brushing up against it's glittering , cold crown.
Nearly there .
I stumble, tumble, I am falling down
I shatter into tiny pieces
I gather myself up again
Jagged, sharp
I squeeze those shiny parts so hard
I'm bleeding
Heart squeezing
Tears falling
Perfectly imperfect

Saturday, September 9, 2017

When your life feels like a Country Song

 I feel like my life is a country song and it's all at my own choosing. I am a week into living outside  my comfort zone.   Which is the point right now , I am trying  to figure  out what is next in store for me.    Giving up the security of my relationship is hard for many in my life to understand--  Society tells us that we  are to grow up and get married- that we are to belong to someone  and that your life is not full or as it's meant to be until you are with  a partner. The goal is to get to the finish line of marital bliss and to live Happily Ever After.    Have you ever gone through a major life change and found that everyone has an opinion about it that they will freely share with you ?  This week ran the gamut from  concern that I will get my heart  hurt to what I assume was meant to be an  encouraging " You can  still turn men's heads".  ( Still not sure if I should be insulted by that one ) .  Some think this is me going through a  mid-life crisis.    I think this is me evaluating what is working and not working in my life. I think this is me deciding what makes me happy and feel good and putting that above all else.   I think this is me choosing to be courageous and brave, even though I actually feel scared shitless.     This is me knowing my kind heart is wide open and is at risk of getting broken again and that is OK.    Because I know that I can put myself back together and be stronger than  I was before.  Because I know that  this time around -  I have always been good enough , and that my dreams matter too and I have the right to pursue them. To create the life that is  just right for me , to be my most authentic self.      I think Magic happens when you don't give up  on becoming who you are meant to be. "The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart. "