Friday, March 17, 2017

February Thoughts from a far

I'm behind in my goal of writing  each month!  February was a a roller coaster of some emotions - Here are  the highlights and low lights  :  My baby turned 30!   It took me a couple months even to say that number  out loud, it just feels so different to me.     I've shared our journey before , so not going to delve deep  again, but this boy  ( er-man) ,turning 30 and reaching a milestone of over 2 years healthy  , is nothing short of a miracle and I am grateful every day.     God is Good!

 I have been in Arizona 10 months now and am starting to feel like  I live here and am not on a vacation.    The possibilities of things to do  is almost overwhelming when you wake up to sunny skies each day.  I am loving the desert !  It's the people from home I miss , of course.      
 That the hard part- being far away  from  "my people".  We recently had a good friend's husband die way to young (50) and so suddenly. It was  a very helpless feeling to  hear about and   " watch " from from a few states away when all you want to do is be able to  go hug your friend whose suffering! person.      You know, I still feel like I'M 30 -    not inching closer to 5-0.    Fun Fact : Did you know that Scottsdale has the most plastic surgeons per capita in the USA? Beauty and Health     & Fitness is a serious business in these parts!     You definitely feel the need to have a healthy lifestyle- one of which I am trying to embrace. When  it gets as hot as it does here ( this week , already 90's  temps) you don't bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters!     Shorts, tanks and  dresses are the outfits Du jour!

I  am starting to finally make some friends and  learn my way around AZ- we have had some visitors and hope to have a few more come enjoy the glorious weather we are experiencing.  I have been blown away by all the activities that draw people here ;  Car show, sports, concerts,   Golf  and  Spring training to name a    few--- So much to do , so  come visit us  :)    

 I feel like I am meant to be here , in the Land of the Sun and that great adventure awaits!    What I am learning for sure, it that when you feel  good in who you are, when you make your well being a priority- there pretty much isn't anything that you can't do . It took moving away from home to realize  I take " home"  with me.  I don't have to give that love , support and encouragement up  just because I am 1100 miles away.      I carry you all with me- every single day.  February, you are the month of Love , after all- and you did not disappoint!          

Monday, January 2, 2017

My 2016 Year in Review

2016 was full of major life change for me- Here are a few of them :    Leaving everything and everyone behind in Washington to move to Arizona!    And when I say everyone ,  I meant that. I  started my job  a few months before Bob so for the first time in my life, I lived solo , not  even my  little fur -baby Frodo came with me.    I had the basics of what I needed and off  I went.    It was a huge learning experience for me in many ways and  I truly appreciated  the presence of my husband and him invading " my space"   4 months later.  Living in  such a different  space and climate  has been an adventure and we are both looking forward to  exploring much more of our new State in 2017.

Leaving behind old relationships and old routines gave me the opportunity to see them in a different light.  I think there are things we do out of comfort and routine and that includes how we interact with our friends and family  to  where we stop for coffee and what we eat for breakfast.   What role did we play in the day to day and when you remove yourself  from it,  what happens next ?     I find myself  adjusting to the different roles and routines that distance now plays in my life  in Arizona from what I knew in Washington.    Some of it painfully so.  It is not easy to make friends in a new place as an Adult.    I am a person who needs connection and places a lot of value on my relationships- I wasn't prepared for the emptiness and pain I would feel when some of those relationships changed.   In the same breath , there is a newer appreciation and closeness with my family  that I really treasure.

All I can say to that is  technology is awesome and I've already earned enough airline miles for a free ticket or 2!

Besides 2016 bringing me personal growth and change- it made me a Great-Aunt 4 times over- seeing the next generation of my family coming into this world is startling and exciting- I mean, my little brother is a Grandpa! And as is the cycle of life , I have had loved ones leave  this earth this year and watched those I care about grieve their losses.    Births, Death, Marriages, Moves, Break-Ups, Love, Heart-Ache, Happiness and Despair- Whether I am here or there- life just keeps rolling along and I have hung on  for the ride and learned some things along the way in 2016 .

There is something  magical to me about a New year starting - like a brand new, blank journal page or  blanket of   Un -touched white snow that begs for a snow angel or snow-man to be made.  It's all fresh, new and exciting.   There are  Adventures to be had, New people to meet,  Places to explore , new food to try , movies to watch , music to listen too, and books to be read.   And there will still be family to love and  celebrations to have.   I'm looking forward to it 2017- I am ready for ya!    

Sunday, November 20, 2016

6 month move-a-versary

 Last week marked  6 months since I have moved   to Arizona- Can't believe  that its been that long since I have  left all that I have known to start a new adventure with new scenery, climate,  job and people .      I lived  the first 4 months on my own, with half my furniture and sans my hubby and dog.  
  Even though we have been together over 1 years, I had to laugh at  how I quickly I adapted to living on my own for the very first in my adult life. When Bob and Frodo along with the rest of our stuff arrived, we settled back into our  old routine like we had in Washington.... except this time... I realized  I was back to sharing  my bed with another human and the dog wedged between my pillows. No more sleeping in the center with all the pillows and the temp on very cool.  I am in the hot flash stage of life, the poor hubs is like sleeping next to a sauna- doesn't make for cohesive sleeping arrangements!   The Bathroom-- Bob gets up earlier than I do and now that he and Frodo were back, I was being awoken at 4AM  and the fur-baby wanted to go outside for his morning  constitution  and breakfast.   It used to be easy- I could go out in my pj's to the back yard and be  back in in 15 minutes with Frodo snuggled back  in bed for another 2 hours. Now , we have to get dressed , I have to at least put my bra on)  leash frodo  up and go down 3 floors to the dog park.- All the while hoping I don't run into any neighbors on the way in my disheveled , blurry eyed state.      Besides adjusting our routine- I had to adjust my stuff.   I had gotten used to having all the drawer and double sink bathroom  space to myself!     And more people means more cleaning!      Even though its just 2 plus a 7 pound pooch, it was double the laundry and   instead of Sushi Wednesdays and  Friday Chipotle  runs,   to my chagrin I actually had to dust  my stove top off and get back to cooking!      I can't complain  though , its nice to have someone who always knows when to take the garbage out  !

 I knew I would be homesick, but the fact that I could face time and skype with my family and friends constantly made it much more bearable.  Being away from what I know and my routine has been  nothing short of an eye opening ,growing experience for me.  Life still trucks along at the same pace.   I still go to Starbucks , though less frequently- I drink less coffee here-and I when I order my mocha, I always have to specify hot.  There is every  type of  restaurant and variety of food at every  corner. You truly don't need to cook here  if you aren't into that!

The spaces are large  and wide open- when I am back in Washington, all the trees make me feel "closed in".          I still get up and go to work,  I actually work more here,   I haven't  achieved the work /life balance I would like too, but  I think that is because I  don't have the same tribe of  people in my life to do things with or who needed my attention more.  It's a odd place to be , until I find my footing.       I realize  I am a person who seeks and craves  connection with people and I miss those   relationships.   I'm very thankful that a old friend  from Washington moved to AZ and we work together, its nice to have someone  who knows the things and  places that I know and shares the love of the SeaHawks!    

I know for certain that change is good, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone helps us all to grow and move in the direction we are meant to go in.    I'm thankful I haven't let  those moments of fear and self doubt  make me change my mind to pack it all in and head home to WA!.    I figured out what  'home' actually represent to me : It's where my people are,  where my heart   beats and where I am comfortable being  me. It's my  3rd floor apartment in Scottsdale with my husband and my dog, walking among palm trees,  its my mom's living room in Washington- having coffee with her, my brother and my son hanging out and laughing. Its a facetime    chat with my cousin  Jenn to catch up on our lives ,it's a group instant message conversation  late at night with my girls from ROI .

 If anything , these people and moments are all the more precious to me.  They all strengthen and lift me up to continue on a journey that is not necessarily easy to  walk.   The easy road always seems to take the least amount of effort but yields minimal happiness.       I am grateful that I am not taking the easy road, though there have been times already that I wish  I  had -- then  I happened upon this  quote :

" The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had. "


Wednesday, August 24, 2016

" If I could write a letter to me "

You know that song, " If I could write a letter to me " sung by Brad Paisley?     With my birthday around the corner , the lyrics keep flitting through my mind so thought I would share a few things if I were to write a letter to my younger self  :

8 year old self :1. Keep writing stories. 2.Your brother will always be a pain in your ass 3. Don't be afraid  4. You are never to young to start using moisturizer

18 year old me: You are 18 and are about to embark on 2 of the biggest life changing events .  1. You will get married-- Don't!  2. You will have your first son.-  Don't be scared, you can do this on your own. You have the most supportive family a person could have.  3. You can still have dreams and goals just because you have become a mother. 4. SAVE $    5. Keep using moisturizer

 28 year old me:  You have just gone through a gut wrenching divorce and you have  low self esteem.
 1.Go see a counselor,   2.  Look in the mirror and accept your awesomeness 3.  Exercise 4. Don't start drinking coffee 4. Save $$ 5. Travel 6. Keep writing  7.  Keep using moisturizer

38 year old me: 1. Leave the job you are miserable in  2.  Practice Forgiveness 3. Eat less fast food
4. Exercise  5. Start writing again 6. Don't enable 7. Travel 8. Save $$   9.  Step out in Faith 10.Keep  seeing a counselor 11. Still use  moisturizer  

About to turn 48 year old me:  1. Keep embracing change- do not give in to fear, celebrate your strength  2. Exercise AND weight lift  3. Eat less sugar  4.  Show gratitude for all your blessings and surviving some really shitty stuff. 5. Celebrate the fact you have reached 18 years of marriage and it's still going strong   6.  It's not the Quantity but the Quality of your relationships  7. Save $$$  8.  Travel MORE  9. Keep your mind and heart open- walk in Faith. 10. To keep the grey out of your hair,  you must foil and spend a small fortune at hair salons.  11. You must also wax weird hairs that spring up on your chin 12.   Travel to far away lands 13. Keep writing  14. Books, wine and girl time is some of  the best therapy around 15.  Keep slathering on the moisturizer, now include your elbows.

And as my friend Val likes to say- Those that have the most candles on their cake, wins!


Saturday, July 30, 2016

In honor of my 30th Class Reunion- SHS Class of 1986!

My 30th Class Reunion is this weekend  and I am missing it , but  in honor of this momentous occasion, I spent some time  going through some pictures and reminiscing which inspired today's blog.  I think back and I feel lucky- I went to the same school - with the same core group of people the entire time- Grades K-12. Even though its 30 years later ,  and life has taken us on our own paths and in different directions- I  still can recall clearly  so many memories  that include my classmates!   Time has not diminished anything and though I look in the mirror and the face looking back is older, rounder, greyer- I still feel  like the same girl that has known this same core group of people since I was 5 years old! Amazing to me really. I can think back to growing up and feeling so isolated and so  "small town " and thinking my tiny school called the Sultan Turks was just so lame.  My parents went to that school, then my  brother and myself and  now I can add my own son , nieces, nephews and cousins.   With the passing of time and the maturity of living life- I am wise enough to appreciate how actually wonderful it was to  go through  Sultan Elementary and High School with the group of people that make up the Class of 86!   Now it may  seem like I am waxing poetic and it was all sunshine and roses- I am talking about the times in life  that as a kid can be pretty hard, embarrassing, difficult, painful and for some I am sure felt it was not a good time. I recognize that - but  today I am just sharing where I am at now and how in this moment I am at a point where I still feel that it was a overall good experience but more importantly- I  still find it remarkable that those 18 years  with that group of people still are so vivid in my mind!  That events and people can still come to forefront of my life and I realize  truly shape me as the person I am today!   I am glad for that, thankful my memories are  more happy than not.    So as my classmates  gather tonight and tomorrow - I am enjoying my own walk down memory lane. Here are some of the highlights that come to mind:

  The first and oldest friend I ever had from Sultan will be Teri Casey- Our parents went to High School together, I am sure that is one of the reasons our paths crossed so early in life.  I can remember many a slumber party that included you Teri as well as playing soccer together and Volleyball later on in High School.  I hope I will see you in Arizona when you are here next.  PM  Kindergarten brought Lara into my life and we became  best friends for many years.   So many things we did together--  Lara was certainly a influential person in my formative years , and through most of High School. I think my most memorable teachers were Mrs York and Mrs Moore--   My most vivid memory with Mrs Moore  was that she made me eat the crust on my sandwiches and I hated that . She told me it would make my hair curly.     I remember loving Mrs Martinensen-- 3rd grade - I think we had a class hamster.   Mrs Dalan- I had here for 5th AND 6th grade.   Beside the year we got to have the sleepover SPOP (?) party at her house ( I can't imagine that ever happening in today's world) the other teacher I remember having was Mr Sparks.    - NOT my favorite , but I did meet Teresa and we have remained friends all this time!   Grade school memories also include Blue Birds and  Gremlin soccer with  so many people--  Kate, Kati , Teri , Laura, Monica, Toni , Angie Fox, Angie Thelen. Janis, Eve, Juanita, Lisa , Jessi , Lara. Erika V. and I think Carrie Krause  joined us about 4th grade and  we all navigated our way all the way to the end, mostly all together = Graduation!   In the 8th grade girls bathroom I met Kim and that is another person whom I have remained good friends with- thankful to have  gone through  our Senior year together!  Junior High for this group actually put us on the High School campus  where more definite cliques and  the usual Jr High/ High School drama occurs-  and people split more off into their own " group" I will call it. Friendships and relationships changed but  what I think is cool is that there was still lots of  " cross-over" and  good times shared depending on what you were into. Whether it was  Football games and dances, Volleyball games,  Wrestling = STATE! in Moses Lake or crazy times at  Band Camp--- think Montesano and Footloose people- the cliques were dropped and we were all just this group of kids from Sultan experiencing life and making memories together.  My favorite teachers were  Ms. Waller , also loved her as a Volleyball coach, Ms Whitfield- thank you for what I do still remember from your Spanish class, Mr Hagglund and that damn loud horn he had- Mr Armstrong, though I never took art- he was just cool-- Mr Bagby- your class made me cry- I still dont like math! and who doesnt love Mrs. Champeaux and Home Ec!   Can't forget Mr Mac either- thank you for letting me be  TA for Weight lifting class :)      Senior year brought new friendships and life changing events for me-  Prom, parties  and our Epic Senior trip and overnight Grad party.   I shared many fun times that year with Kim, Val, Kate, Angie, Eve and Ross, Rex,  James  and of course Terry , whom I would later marry and have our son with.  We all celebrated turning 21 together and  later marriages, divorces and kids. Relationships I still hold near and dear to me .   I hope we celebrate 50 together!    
 With today's technology and the invention of  Facebook - we have the means to keep in touch and witness /share life events - its almost like a constant reunion  and it's a testament to the class of 86 that many of us our on FB and are  FB friends!  So even in Arizona, I can feel like I am  a part of it all.  So to the  SHS Class of 86 - I salute you all!  Thank you for being You !

Sunday, July 17, 2016

For my Husband

 Tomorrow is my 18th ( and on the 18th!) Wedding anniversary and  today's blog is going to be  a shout out to the other person that makes up  "Team Segar".  I just have spent some time going through our wedding photos- something I always do on our anniversary and think back to where we started and where we are now.  Our  life's  twists and turns,ups and downs -our journey together has had all those things.  And Honey-  all I can say is you are one Helluva a Guy and I want to publicly proclaim  how thankful I am  we said   " I -DO to each other.  Bob has always accepted me as I am and never  has tried to change  me-   even at my most bossiest , need to control every thing self.  

He  accepted the  extended,blended family I had created with Kevin's Dad and even formed his own relationship with him as a friend.   Even though Bob did not know much about wrestling  , you came to all the tournaments and matches and rooted    Kevin on-- even keeping me in line  ;)   .  

When Kevin 's life choices took him down the dark road of addiction- you were right there with me, feeling my pain and sadness and fear.   Though I know you were scared and worried   for him, and for me- you stayed brave and positive and were the only one at times that kept a level head When I would get to my lowest and tell you to divorce me so you wouldn't have to live in the Hell that we were in,(because Kevin was MY son I would shout) You would  dig in your heels and shout back NO! We were a team and we would get through this together.

Saturday, July 9, 2016


  I never would have thought I would be comfortable in a  near daily average temperature of 100  + degrees , but I think I am getting there.   The last couple weekend mornings I have spent reading at the pool.  I am up with the sun  most days, I have a  view facing east from my bedroom and spectacular sunrises greet me  after 5 AM.    I have met a little white haired lady named Alexis who swims in the early morning too -  she works from home , she has a  Feng Shui business- Not sure exactly all the details but she is very new -age-y  and holistic in her life approach.      I would like to be more like that , but I'm not there yet ( Still a Starbucks drinkin',  Sea- Salt gelato craving gal) Actually since moving to AZ-- I have cut back on my coffee consumption a lot-and if I don't specify I like my drink hot  from the beginning- the barista always starts to reach for a cold cup-- also to note,  they don't seem to know the trick of   putting the lid on the right way! You can't have the sipping hole lined up with the cup seam, it will leak every time!  EVERY. TIME! )       Anyhow, back to what I wanted to write about tonight.   I have been sharing my feelings about living on my own for the first time while I wait for my husbands transfer to finish going through and the fact I am also , for the first time, away from all I have known.  My people. My tribe.   No need to feel sorry for me, this is my choice and  for the most part I'm really loving Scottsdale and being somewhere new . It's an adventure and  at 47  , it's a great time in my life to have one.    Here is the thing, I have never felt more vulnerable and insecure  about myself. And what I mean by that  , is at home,  with the comfort of the life I led-- I really felt like I knew myself and felt steadfast in my beliefs, my career and life choices, my politics and my own " life code" . It gelled, I had my routine, why not satisfied with my weight, I had worked my way up to a consistent work out routine and putting forth more effort towards being healthy than I had been  in many years.     So it surprises me how at being in a new place alone, I feel so discombobulated trying to  develop a new routine. Without my outgoing husband next to me , or a group of girlfriends to do things with   -- Every place I go  I feel like I  am  sticking out like a sore thumb   ( OK, I know I'm not). I feel BIG in a small world right now and  this morning while talking  to the feng shui master I just felt vulnerable and uncomfortable in my own skin.   Here is the thing-- it takes all the courage I got just to put on a bathing suit and go TO the pool.    Its Arizona, its HOT and people don't wear a lot of clothes and you feel like you have been in a sauna just walking from your car at Costco and  hauling all your stuff back. Like my back is sticky from sweating!  My Washington body is far from an Arizona one and  I'm having  Gym /workout phobia because I feel so weirdly vulnerable by myself.      I felt so compelled to write about it because  the feeling actually took my by surprise today-- because I have anxiety about stepping into  the gym  and because I thought I really gotten over those kind of insecurities, but here they are ,all full force in my face!   Then I  thought about something Feng Shui said-- she came here a couple months ago from San Francisco to get away from a tragedy that had happened to her there.     While I am not walking away from a tragedy- I  had put in my  " pro move " column that moving to Arizona was allowing  myself the space to grow into more of the person I have always known I am supposed to be.  No one here knows I am  Kevin's mom, or Garth's sister or Bryce and Kelci' Aunt.   Labels I love still- but a identity that I have worn like a shield for many , many years.   I think we all get comfortable in our labels , of  how we think others see us  and the role we play--at home,  work,   w/ friends , at church or a club . It's like a  safe zone , it's comfortable- you know the expectations.

  I think what I am feeling is a bit of fear-- that feeling of  being rejected or laughed at or not quite good enough.   It's being uncomfortable and  finding peace in that discomfort while I work my way  out of that . It's a journey and not a race and what comes next is only endless possibilities.