Thursday, March 30, 2017

High Anxiety

Sometimes, when my stress level hits it's highest , and I feel anxiety rise, the only thing I can do is release it out into the Universe somehow-  exercise has always been the best option for me to do so, but after a week of working out twice a day and still not able to sleep- thought I would revert back to writing.     I  SAY     I am a proponent of change and I made such a big one last  May, but even when it's good- it is still so damn hard.   Leaving what I know , who I know, my daily routine and interactions and starting that all over  again  wasn't scary to me at  first. Well, it was , but the excitement outweighed that fear.  I consider myself an easy going person, someone who makes friends easily and  I thought I could replicate my life here in Arizona , the way it was in Washington.  
 What I know, is that is not the case at all.  It's been a bigger personal change than I ever imagined it would be for me personally.   Things that are NOT the same: Even though I went to work for a office that was similar to my old office, I learned it is truly the people, whom I interact with every day that are what make things work or not work.    Learning about new people, what makes them tick was not as easy here  for me. Maybe it was because I am the boss, I don't know- but the  building of trust took so much longer and it nearly sucked the  joy out of me.  Living for the first time on my own , for  months, also taught me how important my Independence on myself was.   There was freedom in having the bed to myself, taking up all the counter space, choosing to eat  Gelato for dinner- but there was also having to take the garbage out and do all the cleaning by myself too.       Being here has taught me more about being strong and capable than any other time in my life .    That is a confidence builder  and one I didn't realize I was missing.      The  Fall really brought some changes into my life. Bob and Frodo made the move down permanently, and I started to forge some new relationships with people.  You know how you just get comfortable being in a certain role ? Like I have always considered myself  the " mom" of the office so that is where I always tend to come from-- this time its been different--- I am a 48  year old woman with  a lot of freedom , choices and responsibilities. I have to make decisions and choices for people all day  , pretty much every day.      It strips me of energy. How do I get that back ?  New friends ? New job?  More therapy?   I have felt  so stripped down and full of self doubt that its almost paralyzing.    I'm shocked at the wave of insecurities I feel. Am I smart enough, pretty enough, to fat , not interesting ?  Can I lead  and do it well? Can I  succeed and make a difference in who depends on me  ?   These  feelings I thought I had long dealt with , but they are front and center right now.    But then ,  God, or the Universe bring the right people into your life if you are open enough to listen.  That's all I can think.  People who see you through  a different lens,  who don't necessarily see what you see, meaning I see my flaws ,self doubt and  what I feel are my imperfections.    Why at 48 am I still trying to chase being Perfect  and being everything to everybody ?      You know, I don't know why I am like that. I guess because I am a people pleaser- but then  my mom came and visited and I was reminded how well loved  I have always been-- no matter  how I look  or what I do or say.   Because  as I am lovingly reminded, I am bossy and can be snarky-- but my family loves me anyway.      Then the Universe throws me a friend or 2 - someone who sees me with new eyes- and  I am reminded again  how good , funny and kind people are .    People that say Hey ,  I think you add value to my life and I want you in it.     You know I don't think we can ever   truly get away from that small voice that loudly points out what we see as flaws,  weight, scars, those outside imperfections- but if  you find someone  that lifts you up, that makes you laugh that accepts  that your perfectly imperfect and wants to be around you anyway- that is a friend to hold onto. That is when maybe you can breathe easier and realize that you can make this change work- that you will be OK . I know God gave me a tender heart and a kind soul . I look to connect with people and  have relationships .  My cousin told me  once that she thought that was my gift- that I make people feel good, feel happy.   Maybe, I do enjoy that .  I am learning that  I have to let myself be vulnerable all why keeping my heart open wide and hope it doesn't get trampled to much- but I would rather be trampled, and a bit bruised than scared to try or to venture  into something unknown.   I would rather live with no regrets at all and love as much as I can.  I would rather fail and fail then wonder what -if. I would rather get my heart broken than to no never put my whole self out there to meet new people and have new adventures .     If you find someone who can not accept you for who and what you are, then you have to  let them go or move on to a new place.   I , alone, am responsible for my own ultimate happiness.- Reminds me of my favorite quote that I will end this rambling  with :

' I am the Master of my Fate, I am the Captain of my Soul '   ~ Invictus

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