Friday, August 11, 2017

Endings and Beginnings

My 19 year marriage is ending- The roller coaster of life changing events over the past 15 months has brought me to an ending that neither of  us saw coming .    Though we are at a delicate place of peace and understanding - you can't go through this kind of ending without some battle wounds.  I could not predict that I would change so much over this past year - and with the change and  personal growth came an introspection of myself that surprises me still.   Some of those changes have been awesome and a few have been emotionally draining .   I think we are always meant to grow , change and evolve as human beings- maybe that process is the easy part.   It's the day in/ day out  grind, the always needing to meet another person's needs ,wants and desires  above  your own -being Selfless when you want to be Selfish  that can change a heart.    Mine changed, what it needs and wants changed and there is the rub my friends- Do you squash that down for your partner or do you decide to let it burst forth and take center stage ?   My husband has always let me be center stage, he has loved me endlessly , even  when I am unlovable.   This is hard.  He is one of the best people I know on the planet and I love him for that.  For standing by me and taking care of me -- through death, illness , loss of our baby and  Kevin's addiction.  He is one of my best friends and I am letting him go. He loves me enough to let me go  as well. Sometimes, what worked before , stops working . Sometimes, life is bigger than ourselves and takes on a path we are yet to understand. We can either embrace it and go with the flow  or fight it and stay stagnant and complacent.

This will be a shock to many,  as  Bob and I are just starting to share this news outside our most inner circle.   We have and continue to be surrounded by so much love and support  -   Our story is our story- and I can't  squish all of the details into one blog.    A new journey is just beginning for us both and we have no idea of what to expect around the next curve.   It's  scary, exciting , heart breaking and at times soul crushing.   Our life has always been more than just about us 2, and  the " uncoupling" is no exception-- There are  friends ,parents, siblings, a son , nieces ,nephews  and cousins whose dynamic shifts  along with ours as we make this choice.     I am just reminded that it's a time , more than ever , to show Grace and Love to each other .      I think the place where we are at is best described from this movie quote :

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